Ten games to go and Southampton are in the capable hands of Ruben. I understand that we need 38 points to be sure of staying up, we currently have 23, so 15 points to get. I will achieve because I am driven to be a manager. I am Ruben, manager, long term.
West Ham away
Rasmus
book talks of first impressions which is why I’ve gone for the turtleneck with
suit jacket approach. Apparently it’s
ideal for passing yourself off as someone who knows what they’re doing. Inspired by Rasmus, as I inherited a club that was completely broken so I’ve decided to break
it even more and go back to Ralph tactics.
After two weeks of thinking about it with the international break, have
decided to radically go with 11 defenders with Walcott, Mara and Elyounoussi as
my forwards because of their defensive quality. No one expects 4-6-0 in a
must win game. The element of surprise,
no? Tall Paul hit the bar when he came
on despite it being against my principles and against our long-term plan to
cross the ball.
Lost 1-0 – I feel that we are building.
Man City at home
My
predecessor has left a Stone Island jacket in the managers locker in the
changing room. As if I would be seen dead in such a thing. The police visited
Staplewood today with a noise abatement order. My idea of playing David Bowie‘s
Fashion and The Kinks Dedicated Follower of Fashion on repeat for the entire
training session has not gone down well with local residents. Pep is in town, my lord and master, and he
will see the identity I am creating. My 4-3-3 narrow formation with a false 9,
giving Grealish half the pitch to himself works well despite the first three
goals coming down that side. We have to
trust the process. I love a false 9.
Lost 4-1 – never mind, our identity is there for all to see.
Crystal Palace at home
Stuart
Armstrong suggested to me in training that we might try making some runs ahead
of the ball when we have possession. I explained that this is against my rest
defence principles and that when we have the ball we have to always be thinking
about the fact that we are about to lose it. Asked the senior players if Joe Aribo would be
a good surprise option for this game – they said “no, it’s not pre-season but I
did it anyway because no strikers needed today – we go with two false 9’s
because you can’t have too many against a team that sits very deep.
Bazunu kept up his run of games where he let in a goal that was his fault –
might have to look at that but where’s the rush – it’s a process. One of my false 9’s Alcaraz was good. Don’t want him getting ahead of himself so
took him off as he was hitting the post and having shots and drawing attention
to himself.
Lost 2-0 - I can feel results getting closer as performances improve.
Arsenal away
Have decided to leave Bazunu in goal in case we get battered by Mikel’s league
leaders. It will be character forming
and part of his process. Bowed to
pressure to leave Aribo out and tombola machine came up with Adam Armstrong. Mislav
Orsic found my selection tombola in the cupboard in my office. He smashed it
because his name was not in it. He left the training ground shouting “Adam
Armstrong for fuck‘s sake”. Arsenal, so dazzled by my 4-6-0 formation they
threw us two goals with Alcaraz at heart of both. Took him off at half time to protect and with
three minutes to go and 3-1 up, took off Lavia to protect for long term and put
on Ibra and we let in two goals and drew.
Never mind, I say to players afterwards – it’s about long term. Today on the bus home, I played Charly
Alcaraz at chess. Was winning until I decided to replace my queen, my bishops,
rooks and knights with pawns. Lost in three moves.
Drew 3-3 having been 3-1 up in the 88th minute – proof that the
turnaround is coming.
Bournemouth at home
Having
passed character test at Arsenal, I decide to drop Bazunu and play
McCarthy. Journalist asked to be about
my starting line-ups and why I pick Adam Armstrong. I see a lot of myself in
Adam in that we are both totally unqualified for the roles that we are
performing. He looked good in training
and I look good in my turtle-neck and suit jacket. Bournemouth let in 4 last week as are poor in
the air. I instruct us to play short
corners as they will have fixed this fault by today. JWP had to come off at half time so I went to
3 at the back which we had not practiced but I trust the players and the
process. We conceded after ten minutes of trying and I was saving
Che for the future but I sent Che on as a sub and he scored but was
offside. I was a managerial genius but
for VAR, but importantly for the future, our rest defence was good today apart
from when it wasn’t, just the once..
Lost 1-0 – we are apparently bottom of the table but I don’t waste my time
looking at that.
Newcastle away
Elyounoussi
has informed me that he still has the pictures. My lawyer has told me that the
pictures are nothing to be ashamed of but I am a serious manager so I cannot be
seen in a shell suit and crocs so Moi will get some minutes this week. Winning
1-0 at half time so I elect for total defence in the second half and we stick
to this diligently all half, even though Newcastle scored three. Did my trademark triple substitution bringing on
Adam Armstrong, Elyounoussi and Maitland-Niles for all the players who attack
too much, just before we concede and need to score again. This helped secure the two-goal defeat.
Saved Che for more important days to come.
Lost 3-1 – my outfit was very good in the cold weather up here.
Nottingham Forest away
In the
press conference today, I admitted that if we are nine points adrift with three
games left and with the worst goal difference than everybody, then we will be
in a difficult moment. With four games to go and needing to win 3 to have any
chance of staying up, I might actually pick a striker today. Just got to decide
which one does the best defending. Today I played Ainsley Maitland-Niles as a
full back and as a midfielder at the same time. I told him he has two surnames so can play two
positions. He thinks I’m funny. We have
to learn from the best like Pep Guardiola and the players will respond. If I can wear a polo neck and look like Pep,
then I’m sure Ainsley can look like John Stones.
Threw Tall Paul on as sub and instructed the other players to stop crossing the
ball. He has to adapt and it will be better for his long-term development if he
gets used to crosses fired at him at 100 miles an hour, 3 inches off the ground
by Adam Armstrong. As the players walked off at the end of the game I threw Alex McCarthy his water bottle and it
went straight through him.
Lost 4-3 – 9 points needed from 3 games but our process game is strong.
Fulham at home
I feel performances are improving at a rate that means it’s only a matter of time before it converts into points in 2028, which is only five years into my 10-year tenure as Southampton manager. Picked Tall Paul today as had no other option but because of him not pressing well, made everyone else defend to give us the best chance of winning.
Lost again today because a number of the players didn’t appreciate my animated tactical instruction from the side line. All the Spanish speakers told me to “Vete a la mierda” and Walker-Peters, Ward-Prowse and Lavia all said “do what you fucking like, we are out of here”. I join in lap of honour, my fans love me.
Lost 2-0 – we are now in a difficult moment but the identity is strong and there for all to see.
Brighton away
Played walking football in training today. Didn’t tell Joe Aribo and he looked amazing. Based on that I can’t help but put him in the team on Sunday. Today we are in Brighton and I’ll be wearing an extra tight Ralph Lauren polo neck. Ralph Lauren is of course one of the great Ralphs of all time but not as great as Ralph Hasenhuttl. He sent me a picture of himself at a ski resort. On the back of it, it said “if you want to guarantee, get a washing machine”. He knows that I’m dry-clean only with my wardrobe. I’m still wondering if my no wins in 12 games will be enough to convince Rasmus that I am the man for the rebuild. Requested a meeting. He is out of office. Got asked by journalists today if I had heard about Russell Martin. Isn’t that a celebrity chef? Why would I have heard of him? Threw McCarthy his track suit top and it went straight through his hand.
Lost 3-1 – I feel that I proved I belong at this level today.
Liverpool at home
Have been told my contract will not be renewed. Am incredulous as other teams want me because it said so on Fabrizio Romano’s Twitter. I have done all I could and I want to be a manager in the Premier League or close to it. I will mastermind win against Liverpool and increase my standing. I decided to attack today and everyone had fun. It wasn’t good for my long-term vision for the club however. Sulemana scored twice – I told you he had to learn the league rather than play earlier on, when we still had a chance of staying up.
Drew 4-4 – I have left the club having masterminded a non-defeat against a Champions League team. Oh, they didn’t qualify.
I have hung my black polo neck up in the closet in the managers office, next to the Stone Island Jacket. Perhaps the new manager can wear them and see if it helps him implement my long term vision.
Yours, Deluded
Ruben
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