Premier League Match 29 - Southampton 1 Watford 2


Great Work Guys 

Watford at home and a definite chance to bounce back after the disappointment of the defeat against Newcastle in midweek.

As I say every time we play them, Watford are ridiculous club with a ridiculous model that seems to rely purely on “new manager bounce“. This is basically starting the season, lose a few games, sack the manager, replace him with an Italian bloke you’ve probably never heard of, win a few, lose a few, sack him, rinse and repeat.  They have deviated a little bit from that this year and whilst I don’t know who the manager was at the start of the season, they appointed Claudio Ranieri, who was in charge the last time we played them at Vicarage Road and then sacked him and replaced him with enthusiastic youngster Roy Hodgson, who has basically become the new Sam Allardyce. I find it amusing that I don’t know who the manager was at the start of the season. The fact is, I didn’t care and never bothered to find out because it takes up available space in your brain and no one has enough space in their brain to remember a list of Watford managers. In fact, I wonder if there is a Watford fan anywhere who could name all their managers in reverse order from Roy Hodgson back to say Graham Taylor in the early 80s.

However ridiculous Watford are at boardroom level, it’s the 11 on the pitch that we’ve got to worry about today. They have undoubtedly been better since Hodgson came in so I’m expecting a tough game, not least because we haven’t played well the last two matches. It will be a game where it’s important to get the first goal.  If we get it, their heads may well go down, if they get it?.... we we all know we struggled against Newcastle when we went behind.

The team news is odd – Broja has been left out which is not altogether surprising but the replacement is not Adam Armstrong, Nathan Redmond or Shane Long – it’s Will Smallbone.  I’m guessing he’ll be on the wing with Elyounoussi behind Adams.  Either way, it seems very left field especially when Long scored a couple of weeks ago and Armstrong played well against Newcastle.  Tino is rested so Perraud comes in but otherwise it’s as you’d expect.

Away we go with some nice play by JWP, switching it out to KWP on the right and side who played it inside the full back for Armstrong to chip in from the by-line.  The perfect cross is met by Elyounoussi at the back post and he heads it past Foster but unfortunately, there was a fucking defender on the line to clear it.  He heads it up in the air and Adams jumped next to Foster which was of course enough for the Graham Scott to give goalkeeper a free kick even though there was next to no contact.

Watford’s first attack sees a cross into the box which Salisu expertly cushions down to Joao Pedro on the edge of the box. Luckily Bednarek is alive and chucks himself in front of the inbound shot. Not a great piece of defending by Sali, it has to be said.  We didn’t know at the time but he was about to go one better though…

The next major talking point was us loading the gun and trying to shoot ourselves. We missed the first time and then decided we were gonna have another go.  First of all, Bednarek knocked the ball back to Fraser, who played it back to him and came within inches of it being intercepted by Joao Pedro.  The ball is safely with Bednarek and he played it across to Salisu, who then bobbled it back towards Forster allowing Hernandez to nick it around the goalkeeper and roll it into an empty net from a tight angle. Fuck me. Shite by all three of the Saints players involved to be honest. Fraser‘s initial pass was shit and then he seemed to make no attempt to stop Hernandez walking round him and didn’t try and dive in front of the shot. Salisu, who obviously gave away the stupid pass in the first place but Bednarek, having seen Forster get away with a sloppy one, should’ve just turned and whacked the ball up the park rather than play across the back four. I never mind too much of a team score a good goal against us but this is a fucking disaster and absolutely gift wrapped.

Back to it and Armstrong wins a free kick on the right hand side when Samir tries to tug his arm out of its socket. JWP swings over the freekick and Salisu meets it well and heads it over the bar.

We don’t have too long to dwell on it though because a few minutes later a cross is swung in from Watford’s left hand side and there is Hernandez again stealing in behind Perraud,  unmarked and with a free volley at the goal from 10 yards. He connects pretty well and gives Fraser absolutely no chance. Two nil down at home against one of the worst teams in the league. We are making them look like a prime Brazil. When the cross came in, Romeu, Salisu and Bednarek were all in the penalty area but not marking anybody and Perraud was left with two men at the back post and unfortunately, he chose the wrong one.

Far from getting better, we get worse as Armstrong gave the ball away midfield and suddenly it’s a four on three break for Watford.  Kučka goes through on the inside left channel and it takes a decent block from Fraser to keep it to two. This game could be over by now.

Still time for a lifeline before half time though and it predictably has to come from a set piece as Armstrong is fouled needlessly by Kamara on our right.   In it comes from JWP, flicked on by Adams and it dribbles into the net off of Elyounoussi’s foot to make it 2-1. Not the best goal but it doesn’t matter and it feels like we have got out of jail to only be going in 2-1 down at half-time.

The experiment of playing Smallbone as a second striker has predictably not worked so As expected, he makes way for Armando Broja at half time. 45 minutes should be enough time to get back into this game but we all know what Watford going to do. They are going to attempt to strangle the shit out of it and camp on the edge of their own penalty area and it will be interesting to see if we’ve learned anything from the Newcastle experience.

Early signs are bad and Salisu heads wide from a JWP delivery but again it’s a set piece and nothing from open play. Mind you it’s hard from open play when Watford are hitting the deck at every opportunity and wasting as much time as possible. They still find time to cause us problems with Forster having to make another good save as Kučka cuts in from the left and fired at the opposite top corner.

Another break for Watford as Dennis burns off Bednarek before knocking it back for Hernandez who has a decent shout for a hat-trick from the edge of the box but puts up a balloon and smashes it high into the Northam.

Redmond is on For Romeu and combines with Armstrong to pass it to Adams on the edge of the penalty area and he wins/buys a free kick as a Watford player closes down from behind. It’s very close to the edge of the box and for me, JWP chooses the wrong option and flips it over the wall but it lands on the roof for the net skimming just over the crossbar.


Roy Hodgson Aged 145, waits for the Game to End

Time is nearly up. Well it would be – 9 minutes extra to be played because Watford have wasted so much time that Roy Hodgson will be getting a telegram from the Queen before the game is over.  The 9 minutes can’t start yet because Broja has been pole-axed by Foster, who has punched one away and his elbow has caught Armando in the face.  There is one more incident of note with Redmond working his way into the box before eventually chipping a left-footed cross over, which Adams headed goalwards but unfortunately straight at Foster who defies his Zimmer frame to tip over the bar.  From the corner, Bednarek heads goalwards and it hits a Watford player.  We all appeal but I’ve no idea what for – there is slapping of the arm going on so I guess they think it’s handball.  Oh yes – off to VAR.

“Hi Scotty, Banksy here at Stockley Park”
“Hi Banksy – Bednarek has just shouted something in Polish that sounded like ‘Cryzdjziwichsjszk’”
“OK – Google translate says ‘Handball you fucking twat’”
“Is it though? – I didn’t see shit”
“Which variant of the handball rule are we playing today Scotty?”
“The ‘Deliberate and he has to catch it and it has to be Wednesday’ variant, I think”
“Scotty – if it’s the ‘Hits his arm in an unnatural position’ variant, it’s a penalty”
“Nah – that’s the ‘Big Club at home’ handball rule variant – we’re playing the ‘Not if You’ve Been Shit and Don’t Deserve It’ variant.
“And he is facing the wrong way even if he is waving his arms about like a twat”
“What would Big Mike Dean give in this scenario – 93rd minute, 2-1 down?”
“Dunno Scotty, Mikey loves a bit of last minute action – makes it all about him”
“True, but he hates those soft Southern Bastards more and besides, I’m not making this game any fucking longer – I’m not being responsible for Roy missing his Horlicks”


No penalty, the end. In a word - dog shit. That might be two words.

Piss poor performance and only losing 2-1 actually flattered us. We were fucking dreadful from the moment that Elyounoussi chance was headed off the line.  Watford played within the rules if not the spirit of the game and got the job done with maximum shithousing but who can blame them when their survival is at stake.  Until referees start booking players early for time-wasting and every time the ball is kicked away, it will never change.  However, shithousing is not the reason we lost.  Giving away shit goals is the main reason – without those they wouldn’t have been able to shithouse it.  The first goal is just hilarious.  Try to give a goal away, get lucky, have another go, succeed.

There are other reasons of course - let’s start with the team selection. After the game against Newcastle and mid-week, I don’t think anyone would’ve been surprised if Adam Armstrong had started ahead of Armando.  Starting Will Smallbone was an absolute leap of faith, based on something that’s obviously been seen on the training ground.  Also, it meant we were playing with one less striker than usual against one of the worst sides in the league at home. His selection meant that we couldn’t press very well because we only have one striker and Che Adams is not suited to play upfront on his own because he always wants to go and run the channels which of course means, there is absolutely no one in the box. The halftime substitution of Smallbone might have seemed harsh in some regards because it wasn’t really his fault but to be honest, we should’ve put on a proper striker from the moment we went behind because it was pretty obvious we were going to need every single bit of attacking strength to get back into the game at that point with Watford prepared to just sit deep.

We’ve tried Will as a number six and it doesn’t work. We’ve tried him as a central number 10 like today and that doesn’t work either. The reason it doesn’t work is because he is too lightweight and looks like he’s going to snap any time there is any sort of physical challenge. This inevitably means that he loses the ball. Today, he chased around a lot but barely had a touch.  He’s JWP pre-Ralph where you can see there’s a player in there but he has to nail down one position and keep to it.  He has to toughen up.  In my opinion he’s a wide player who should be looking to take over from Stuart Armstrong one day or targeting a place on the other side to Stuart where none of Elyounoussi, Redmond, Djenepo, Walcott or Tella have really nailed it down.

Elyounoussi put in the kind of performance that gets you in Garth Crooks team of the week despite being pretty shite.  Scored one, nearly scored another and other than that, constantly gave the ball away.  He’s the best of a bad bunch of wide Number 10s that we have, all miles behind Stuart Armstrong.

We’ve course played straight into Watford’s hands by not getting our press right and leaving ourselves way too open to the counter-attack. Their second goal was another disaster class of people watching and marking space but Watford also managed to butcher two more clear chances. The fact that we got in at half-time only to one down was an absolute gift.

In the second half with a conventional formation, we showed small signs but ultimately didn’t play with enough urgency to break down the packed defence for the second time in a week. There were a few playing with urgency like KWP and Armstrong in the second half but the general play was too narrow and we kept funnelling into the defenders. Even with the natural width on the left hand side we just kept coming inside. Two games in a row where we tried to tiptoe our way through a packed defence in central areas and it just hasn’t worked. We had a couple of late chances and the penalty shout but nowhere near enough in that second half.

A few will complain that we didn’t get a penalty when the ball hit Kabasele. There have been a few interpretations of the handball rule over the last couple years which means that it would’ve been a penalty. His arms are in an unnatural position but he has his back to where the ball is headed from from very close range so there’s no way it could be deemed to be deliberate. I feel that he if he was facing towards the ball then it would’ve been given but I don’t really see any grounds for complaining about that not been given. As I said, if we had equalised, we would not of deserved it.



We Never Get A Last Minute Handball against Watford

This feels worse than Newcastle because we didn’t learn any of the lessons from Newcastle which was only four days ago. The worrying thing is we’ve gone from playing like Europa League qualifying side to playing like a relegation side all the space of a couple of weeks. Players that were playing brilliantly a couple of weeks ago are now painfully average. Romeu and JWP have shown the biggest drop off and for the second game in a week, the midfield barely won a second ball.  We looked like a very well oiled machine a few weeks ago with everyone knowing what they were doing. Today, the automatism's as Ralph calls them looked very laboured. We didn’t seem to know when to press, we didn’t seem to know when to pass the ball, when to make third man runs, when to compress the formation when to spring it wide.  The gaps between the lines looked too big to me.  Is it a fitness issue or did we all start believing our own hype and thought we only had to turn up today?

A side issue - the half-time DJ thought it would be funny today to play songs relating to going down, clearly aimed at Watford. I’ve got an idea for you mate, if we are fucking losing to the team that you are about to ridicule with your song selections, play something different. I thought that both the West Ham and Newcastle selections were fine for different reasons and I’m all up for a laugh but today’s selection and reasons for it just made us look like dicks. If we had been winning then it would’ve just been unnecessarily goading but as we were losing and playing terribly, we are basically making just twats of ourselves. That’s the thing, the Watford fans were chanting “We’ve got the ball“ every time they had it in the first half along with regular renditions of “We're fucking shit“. They were still far too good for us and in that first half, should’ve been three or four nil ahead.

Next up is Manchester City in the FA Cup quarter-final. The key to that game will of course be staying in it until half-time and if we defend like we did today, we will have absolutely no fucking chance. Up the fucking Saints


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